Since I've shifted to Delhi, I'm spending too much time with myself. Not in the sense I'm getting bored but more in the sense that I'm dating myself. I'm finding it more productive to sit around and think all types of things. Sometimes those things are stupid things like how I'd like to change the world and shoot all the terrorists, while sometimes I get lost in the memories from the past. When the latter happens, I realize how I've changed.
By change I don't mean becoming introvert or extrovert. I'm talking about the changes that are subtle yet profound, slow yet too fast. Although we are told again and again that in this life, only change is constant, we are never ready for it. When change comes, most of the times we don't even realize it unless it's in our face. It's only when we look back and ponder on our past reactions and behavior, we realize we have changed; and maybe if we face the same situation again, we may not react in the same way.
Unfortunately, change is not always good. For example: Once a very good friend of mine broke my heart. How? Here goes the story: We both had joined a company on the same day. We both were the only new joinees in the department and we had to depend on each other. We started taking lunch together and spending all tea breaks talking our hearts out. As we generally don't ask the other person "will you be my friend?" as Salman Khan had asked Bhagyashree in the film Maine Pyaar Kiya, I presumed she's my friend and started caring for her. On went the friendship for two years and suddenly she stopped speaking to me. I tried so hard to know what happened and the reasons thereof, she didn't tell me. Needless to say, I went through hell. It was as good as going through a divorce (yes, I get over-emotional about all things, including friendships). But I learnt a lesson: you can never trust your friends to not to leave you. I'm not saying they are mean and they are taking advantage of you. What I'm saying is, they may have moved away from you while you are still stuck on them. And believe me, one-sided love in any relationship is toxic. Plain and simple.
So here comes the concept of emotional independence, which is easier said than done. Yes, I know we are responsible for our emotions, and our feelings can't make demands on the people we love and care. Like us, they are free too and they can do whatsoever take their fancy. But what are we supposed to do? I wondered this for years and years, and realized that emotional detachment is the answer. That's the only way an emotional fool can make his/her life easier. And yes, I digressed - as usual.
As I was saying before, change is not always good: I changed and learnt to not to trust anyone to not break my heart. This simply means, it really becomes difficult to make friends. And even if you meet really, really good people, subconsciously you are waiting for them to wrong you. You go through life making acquaintances, not friends on whom you can depend. I know, really screwed up life it is.
At the same time, I've also learnt good things: walking away from people whom you love but who don't love you in return, holding your head high even when your heart is breaking in millions of pieces, taking rest and forgetting everything until you recover enough strength to get up when you are knocked down badly.
But have I actually become a person I'm destined to? No. I still have to go through millions of experiences and meet millions of people to add to my knowledge. I will still learn new things - maybe even learn to trust another friend! I have evolved and will continue to evolve because that's life, and you never know what life brings you to, do you?