Oh, How Do I Unlove You!

Every morning, I used to wake up with a smile because I knew I was loved by you. The way you looked at me, the smile that you bestowed on me, the way you held my hands used to send my heart galloping. Your words would still the restless in me, your touch would calm the storm in me, your presence would soothe the reckless me. 

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But we weren’t meant to be. We fought, fought and fought until we forgot our promises to each other. We hurt the other instead of fixing. We broke the other so much that we still can’t stand straight to save our lives.

Yes, we were toxic for each other, and we walked away, swearing to never look back. But did we? Or rather, did I?

Yes, I did mourn the death of you, crying the nights away and burying myself in work during the day. Months went by and the urge to check upon you lessened. And then one day I woke up without a thought of you. I went through the day, giving smiles to everyone I met and meaning it. I again found the wonder in breeze caressing my cheeks, sunlight brightening up the trees and dogs playing with children.

I was over you. I had taken steps away from you, from your memories, from your promises.

But before I could be proud of myself, I was pulled back in that dark place with a thud. I don’t know how it happened but suddenly everything was grey. I still smile but there’s sadness underneath it; I still love the sunlight but there’s a hope that someday that light will drive away the darkness in my soul; I still like love children playing with dogs but I wonder would our lives be different had they been ours.

I know it’s hopeless, illogical and plain stupid to dwell on the past, and don’t think I’m not trying. I try as hard as I can: I go out and meet new people, I immerse myself in the beauty of unknown and give the best of me wherever I can. But then it hits me: those new people don’t come close to you, the unknown could have been more beautiful with your presence, and do I even have my best without you surrounding me?

I know we can’t be together because we bring out the worst in each other but how do I unlove you? How do I tell myself that you are not the anchor that will keep me from drifting away? How do I dig out a part of me that’s buried deep with the corpse of our memories? A part of me that clings to what I thought you could be; a part that refuses to let go of the dreams that it had weaved around you; a part that isn’t wise and understanding but just knows to hold on.

I take a step away from you only to fall back ten paces. And every time I fall back, I bruise myself some more, break another chunk of me, destroy another dream of mine.

I know, time heals everything but then years have gone by. How many more do I need to stop clinging to the memory of you? Why do I hold on to you? Is it because nobody has ever been able to love me like you? Or is it because I can’t give myself to any other like I did to you? How do I make myself give up on you? How do I make myself believe in happily-ever-afters? How do I unlove you? Just how?