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Time and again, I've been told what I should be doing and how wrong I am in doing certain things. Although it seemed to the advisors that these talks weren't making an ounce of a difference to me, that wasn't the case. I was listening to them, understand their viewpoints and couldn't fault them. Still, I couldn't do what they were asking of me. That's my shortcoming. And when I think about it, I'm not even sure if I'm right or they are right. But does it make any difference? If I'm not doing something that I'm supposed to, who's hurt at the end of it? It's I, right? I also know that this direction of argument is not productive at all, but that's life, isn't it?
As has been the case throughout my life, I've had some plans. The plans that I tried to implement in last one year. The plans that failed and shattered me in the process. My blogging suffered as a result. I've had few regular readers who quit reading me. Of course I'm not blaming them. Who would like to visit a blog only to find stale content? I knew what I was doing, I knew how I was disappointing my regular readers, I knew what I'd lose at the end of the day. Still, I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Maybe I've passive-destructive capabilities within me that aren't blatantly visible. God knows! The bottom line is, I still don't know what I'm doing yet I want to continue what I'm doing. Is that insane? Maybe yes. Do I need to form a better plan of action? Maybe yes. Will I do it? Maybe Yes. Or I will just keep on doing what I'm doing to reach the bottom of the ravine and see how dark they are. Whatever I do or plan to do, I know I will suffer because I've to pay the price of living. But then, that's life, isn't it?
Have I made any sense? If not, that's life too, isn't it?
No, you make complete sense and I can relate to all of it. I have been an erratic reader but that by no means infer that i do not love you. of so many people I have met in the blogging world, you are one of those whose story inspires me.Sure, i may not know a lot about you but of all that i know, i see a woman who is not afarid of standing out and beloging to ehr ownself and this is what makes me wish that i cna be as strong as you are.
ReplyDeletethis is the rant we often need to make to vent out the feelings that start taking a larger shape. if we keep them inside, it starts choking us. at least, this is what happens with me. I hope you a lot of good luck and send my betsest kisses and hugs to you. go have a big fat slice of chocolate because sometimes when no one helps, chocolate does.
I love you and this post, insane or sane makes complete sense :*
Awww.....Shruti, you are one person who supports me in all my insane ideas :* And I've eaten 8 big Bournville in last 4 days *embarrassed to admit*
DeleteGee, Pankti! You made me stop and think for a while there. I think we all have that "passive-destructive" capabilities in us. Atleast I do.
ReplyDeletePs, yes - you do make a lot of sense :)
Bhavya, seeing your writing, my ramblings will definitely make sense to you :P
DeletePS: I'm glad that I'm not alone in having "passive-destructive" capabilities. :D
Hang in there. Pick up only the important things, leave the baggage behind and start afresh, girl.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Akanksha
Yes Akanksha....am looking to clean up the mess that I've made of my life. Hugs back to you.
DeleteI will have to agree with what Akanksha has said and yes you make complete sense that if you want to start afresh you need to clean up the mess created.
DeleteIts like starting with a clean slate and charting a new course. To be fair, we are all self-destructive to some extent and we create a salvage point, much like the restore point in computers, even before we start a task. Its years of human programming. It requires constant effort to work and rectify and we will fall while walking that road.
Hmmm....I hear you.
DeleteYou know, self discovery is the hardest kind. But once you know your purpose, you are all set.
ReplyDeleteOr are you?
Let us know when you get there.
In the meantime, feel free to rant or muse on your blog. Don't worry about the readers. They'll come on their own.
Rickie, I doubt if I will ever know the purpose of my life given my perpetual confused state. For readers, on one hand I understand what you are saying but on the other hand, I can't help but feel a pinch of sadness for not being read that widely.
DeleteVery thoughtful... and when I say thoughtful it means I devoted a lot of time to understand these words... Now one thing isn't clear... I do update my photo blog regularly... till then why don't I earn enough voyeurs :-/
ReplyDeleteYou aren't getting that many readers for 3 reasons: 1. you keep on changing your blog URLs. 2. Like I said, you too are erratic when it comes to blog posting frequency. 3. It's not even a month since you started a photo blog and you want to be a top photo blogger :|
DeleteNow I'm clean-bowled :-(
DeleteYou're so so correct Pankti.... ClickingPhotos ki kasamm ab ishe nahi chodunga... aur choda to dubaara kisi photoblog se bay-inteha.... you know where it's going :-P
No...I don't know where it's going :-/
DeleteSigh... couldn't even catch my emotions!!!
DeleteIt was:-
... mohabbat nahi karunga :-/
Pankti, life takes you through phases. You have been through a bad one, I am guessing. Don't stress over your blog readers. Write more, read more, comment more. They will be back. I hope you find what you are looking for. Even otherwise the journey always teaches you something important. Take care!
ReplyDeleteYes Rachna. I did learn something in last one year. Thanks for your wishes :)
DeleteHappens at some point of time in every life, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteIt is okay to be senseless at times, though you were not. It is okay to have plans. And it is equally okay if they don't work out the way you wanted them to.
And no matter what, I am always around :*
Sushmita :*
DeleteWhat I am going through right now! Kuch din pehle mere bhi emotions aye the bahar :
Deletehttp://welcome-to-my-confused-world.blogspot.in/2014/08/of-confrontations-acceptance-and.html
I've left footprints there :D
DeletePankti, this post is itself proof of your great abilities as a writer-such free flowing lines! It's a shame if we readers are denied the benefits of it for whatever reasons...
ReplyDeleteRajeev, thanks for your encouraging words :)
DeleteAll that matters is that you are back again and I hope that you never ever listen to these 'advisors' again. Looking forward to reading some of your amazing short stories again :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Khushboo :)
DeleteFrom what you have written I can tell you have been through a bad phase.. learn from it and move on. Dont worry about readers or for that matter anyone. Do what you like to do, what you love to do and everything will follow. Also do not plan too much, let life happen, it will leave you feel a lot more satisfied when you are not holding yourself responsible against expectations..take care, you know we all always there :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Seeta.
DeleteWow I can totally relate to this. Right now this is pretty much how I feel. Self destructive. Or maybe just destructive in general because for some reason I m bring other people around me down as well.
ReplyDeleteHugs Jignasha.
DeleteWe should all learn to embrace the glorious mess we are ;)
ReplyDeleteNice messy post :D
Thanks Aayesha :D
Delete"Every silver lining has a touch of grey" - Hunter & Garcia. There's always a mix of up and downs.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is when you're going through it, no one else can really feel what you're feeling. And you will have to figure your own way to deal with it. Sucks, but that's life, unfortunately..
Hope you find that way out soon.
Could fully relate to this.
ReplyDeleteMisery loves company ;)
Delete